Make Real Food

On a Journey to Love Myself and (the food in) the World Around Me.

Life is messy. & Infertility hurts.

by Chelsea @ Make Real Food on August 10, 2013, 3 comments

You see, here’s the thing.

Infertility is really hard.

I’ve known since I was a teenager that the chances were lower that I’d be able to conceive.  Or, that things would be ‘harder’, or ‘might take longer’.

But when they tell you that, they don’t ever tell you how much it’s going to hurt.  How emotionally and physically draining every second of infertility is.

They tell you to just ‘not worry’, ‘forget about it’ and ‘it’ll happen’.  Maybe.

But, somewhere around the second time a day that I swallow a fistful of vitamins, or choke down hormones, or when I’m rushing out the door from work to make an acupuncture appointment, or I’m watching friend after friend share their good news, and I’m still empty inside, somewhere in the middle of all of that, I forget to ‘forget about it’.

Life is messy.

& Infertility hurts.

Before we even were engaged Nathan and I had a plan for this moment.  He knew my medical history, inside and out.  We set limits.  Boundaries for how far we were willing to go before we stopped trying to conceive.  And we talked about what happened when we met those limits, when we reached those boundaries.

And we talked about adoption.

And I’m not going to lie to you and say that for years adoption wasn’t in my mind as my ‘backup plan’, as my ‘plan b’

Because we’re good people, so we’ll get pregnant.  

But in the past 6 months adoption has began to feel more like what was meant to happen all along.  And in the past 2 months, it’s become even clearer.  It was what was meant to be our plan from the beginning.

I am beyond grateful that Nathan and I had these conversations early in our relationship.  We had a luxury, of sorts, knowing that fertility may be a problem from the beginning, but even if that hadn’t been the case, I wholeheartedly believe we would still be on the same page.  Every day I amazed by Nathan’s strength, when I am at my breaking point, he is the mend to my broken heart, my shoulder to cry on, and my person to yell at about how unfair the world is.

I don’t believe in much.  But I believe there is a reason for everything.  And I’m excited to see the reason for our infertility struggles.  A reason for all of this pain.

When we move next year we will begin the process of applying for licensure to foster/adopt domestically from the state system.  We are ready to start now, but, unfortunately most of the licensure does not carry from state to state, and we would have to begin the process again when we move.

While I am anxious to start the process, I am grateful to also have this time to continue to grief the loss of fertility.  Even though I’ve known for a number of years that infertility was a possibility, I had never let myself feel it.  I need time to grieve, because my whole life I’d lived behind rose colored glasses, I had always just assumed we’d be ‘the exception’.

And we are. 

We are the exception to the fact that infertility tears couples apart.  Every excruciating fiber of this journey has strengthened the bonds we have to each other.  

And I am so grateful for this.

Life is messy.

& Infertility hurts. 

More to come…

-Chelsea

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3 thoughts on “Life is messy. & Infertility hurts.

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